20 Lessons that I Learnt in 2020

Disclaimer: This article was written in December 2020 but I only decided to publish it now

The end of the year is nigh and thus come the period of reflections have come. My reflections for the year are not the most introspective and are pretty generic. However, I would like to write this article as a milestone for myself as these are revelations that have never sunk in until now. I thought that ’20’ lessons would be an apt number to end of 2020.

1. Only I get to make myself feel like a worthless piece of trash

This year, I have internalized that the only person who gets to determine my self worth is none other than me. Nobody else gets the privilege of controlling what’s mine. I will make myself feel like shit when I feel like it but nobody else is allowed to do that to me.
2. Live Life to the Fullest

I’ve always thought that I have grasped the concept of my own mortality, considering that I often feel as though I am merely existing and not truly living. However, I have realized that I was wrong. With my parent’s hair gradually turning white and their wrinkles getting increasingly difficult to ignore, I had to force myself to admit that my parents are getting old. One day, they won’t be here by my side anymore. Even though sometimes I feel that life isn’t worth living, in the time that I have here on this earth I should treat everyday as though it is my last because I want to die knowing that I have loved to the fullest.

3. Live in the Moment

I used to be somebody who would overthink about the future and cling on too tightly to the past. I’m still learning to let go of the past but what ultimately matters is right now, this very moment. Who knows, I may get cardiac arrest and die immediately after writing this so I will take things one step at a time and live, love and laugh to the fullest while I still can.

4. While I don’t consider myself a good person, I should continue to strive to always improve myself and be the best that I can be.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m not a good person. Sometimes, I feel fake, as if my so-called ‘niceness’ is merely a façade as I didn’t want to make people feel bad about themselves. Until this year, I never really made a conscious effort to try to be the best person I can be. I know that it will never be enough, but as long as I try, I will be satisfied, because trying my best is what truly matters.

5. I’m Not Perfect and That’s Okay

Toxic perfectionism used to be a huge problem for me, particularly in 2018. I never really managed to accept myself for who I am but what I can say is that I have been working towards loving myself and I think that I can finally accept myself for who I am. It is my imperfections that make me human. Yes, it is true that I will never be perfect, but the truth of the matter is that nobody will ever be perfect.

6. I need to stop bottling up my emotions as nobody can read them

This is an aspect of myself that I really need to work on. A habit of mine is to take stoicism to an extreme level to the point that I feel… numb. As a consequence of bottling up my emotions, my feelings tend to pile up and eventually cause a mental breakdown. This physically paralyses me and is very unhealthy – both in a physical and mental sense. I can’t stay quiet and just hope that people know that I’ve been hurt by their actions, I actually need to tell them.

7. Nobody truly cares about you so you have to care for yourself

My reflections seem to take a pessimistic approach to life, apologies if you thought that this article was meant to make you feel good. While it is unpleasant to think about it, the reality is that while your friends and family care about you, they ultimately cannot do that 24/7 as it is not their obligation and they have other things that they need to take care of. If you don’t care for yourself, who else will?

8. You have the power to start a chain reaction

It’s quite amusing how much power we have without realizing it. I’m going to tell you now that your tongue can never sit properly in your mouth, and now you are going to spend the next few minutes playing with your tongue! If I want to inspire change, it has to start with

9. Intrusive thoughts are just that… intrusive